Over the past few months, I have been asked to repetitively give things up.
I had an incredible volunteer job co-leading a youth worship team. It was something that I was passionate (read obsessed) about, and, quite frankly, I found fulfillment in doing this job. In one fatal, 24 hour swoop, God made it clear to me that I needed to give it up. There have been very few times in my life when I have felt as broken as I did on the day that I had to tell the youth pastor that I was not going to be able to continue in this role. Understanding the many reasons that it was necessary for me to do that took time, and by time, I mean months.
A couple of months later, I felt God calling me to transfer schools. Truthfully, I think He told me to go a long time ago, but if you want to read more about my thoughts on that, you can click here. When I started realizing this, I was a little confused, because I was finally experiencing something that I had prayed, and longed, and hoped for for years--a loving, compassionate group of friends who loved Jesus. This may sound strange to some, but one of my biggest dreams is to be a part of a community like the one created by the early church (you can read about that in Acts). I was finally starting to experience that, and I was (am) so thankful for those people. To leave, to transfer schools, meant that I would have to be apart from this incredible God-fearing community, but I had already learned my lesson once about running from God's calling, and I did not want to make that mistake again. So, I worked relentlessly trying to get into this school, Grand Canyon University. After Christmas, I packed up whatever would fit in my car, and I left for Phoenix.
I have now been here for a month. It has been the most incredible experience I could ever imagine--better than what I hoped for, but I have been a little frustrated, and here is why: I have not been able to lead in the same capacity that I used to in Texas. Did I expect to jump right in and begin leading worship? No, but I did not realize how frustrating it would be to not get to serve in the way that I feel called. It has been so confusing to have such a passion inside of me for something, and to not be able to fulfill it. Tonight, I had to ask the question "why". Why do I feel like I have to lead? Is it for me, or is it for Christ? I can give you the right answer, but the true answer is that I am not sure. Not until tonight when God told me that He wanted this too.
I have left my job, my family, and my friends. I am 1,000 miles away from everything that I knew, and God asked for my desires. Every time that I have given something up to Him, He has given me something better in return. Despite the confusion, the fear, and the uncertainty, tonight I am giving Him literally all that I have left of myself.
"The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I’m tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn’t want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God’s righteousness" (Philippians 3:7-9, the Message).
When you give your life to Christ, it really does mean giving everything. For some (like me), it may be a process. It is not an easy thing to do. The truth is though, giving up everything does not mean that you are giving up control. Giving up everything means that you are finally realizing that you were never in control to start with. When you place everything in God's hands, you are freeing your own hands to accept everything that He has to offer, and that, my friends, is worth it all.
Tonight, I am giving up. Won't you join me?
3 comments :
Our Lord broke more than himself into bread and wine. He LIVED 'brokenness.' it's hard for me to get my mind around, most of the time. I wonder 'did he get everything he wanted when he walked the earth? Probably not, for he wanted me... And you, and we weren't around yet. But he was content. Even when he hurt. Keep following the good path he's laid out for you. I know your mom and dad are thrilled to see you walk it. And missing you terribly, of course...
Thank you!
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